When is it Time to See a Marriage Counselor?

When we're dating it's easy to think that we're never going to need marriage counseling. You get along so well and you talk about everything - you're positive that together you can take on anything.

But marriage is a skill that takes time and effort to develop. Some partners come into marriage with better foundations for skill building than others, but a good marriage requires everyone to build the necessary skills. Because of that I always recommend pre-marriage counseling, especially if you've been dating less than a year. The short courtships amongst singles in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often don't allow enough time for a couple to build the necessary intimacy and trust to openly and honestly discuss big relationship questions.

As for married individuals, it's never too early to see a marriage counselor. If, at any point, you've thought, "Should we see a therapist?" then the answer is, "Absolutely." When it comes to marriage therapy, timing is everything, and waiting too long can actually be the difference between working it out and not. If one or both partners have already given up, there's very little help a therapist can offer. All couples end up in negative patterns, which are difficult to identify and repattern from within. Seeing a therapist and identifying those patterns early on can help a couple establish lasting change.

That being said, here are some signs that working with a therapist could help:

Communication Difficulties

All couples struggle with communication at some point and having someone bridge that gap saves you a lot of time and heartache. Some examples include:

• You talk but one or both of you don't feel heard

• You've stopped talking

• All your communication is negative

• You're afraid to share your feelings for any reason

• You're not being honest with your partner (no matter how big or small)

• You keep arguing about the same things over and over

Sex

Our sexual relationship can sometimes serve as a reflection of the rest of the relationship. Especially if one or both of your did not have sex prior to marriage, seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual relationships can make a world of difference. Examples:

• One or both of you are dissatisfied with your current sexual situation

• Talking about sex always ends in a fight

• You've tried communicating your sexual needs but it hasn't worked

• One or both of you has a history of sexual trauma

• You've experienced infidelity in the relationship

Things don't feel quite like the used to - in a not good way

Relationships change over time, but sometimes our habits and strategies don't change with them. Therapy can help you adapt new strategies to shift with the times, here are some examples:

• You're living more like roommates than spouses

• You can only see everything you're doing and everything they're not doing

• You've become so entrenched in your roles as parents that you don't have time to be spouses

• One or both of your are experiencing a faith transition

If you've never been to a therapist before, it's important to know that not every therapist is going to be equally effective - look for someone who is a fit in both personality and modality (the therapy methods they use). For couple therapy, both partners need to agree on the therapist or one person may hold back. After two sessions if both of you do not love your therapist, that means it's time to look for a new one. This can take a while, so don't get discouraged.

Finally, therapists do not take sides. They are there to facilitate the discussion between you and your spouse and help you develop the tools to solve your problems. The most successful couples are those who want to do what it takes to make the marriage work, so be sure to adjust your expectations appropriately and complete any homework they give you. Therapy is a wonderful tool that is helpful to even the healthiest of couples, so if you're thinking you might need it, check it out!