Increasing Desire: Changing our Sexual Framework

Most of what we've been taught about sexual desire comes from a research model created in the 1960's and the media - and using these two as a backdrop for navigating conversations about sex with our partner sets us up for failure.

The Sexual Response Cycle, created in 1960, presents sex as a series of four stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. One of the difficulties with this model is that it paints the concept of sexual desire as spontaneous and appearing out of thin air. It also places a lot of emphasis on the amount of sexual desire that a person has ("high" or "low").

While this model is an accurate description of what people experience during sex it doesn't illustrate how we come to experience sexual desire. Because of this, when a couple approaches sexual problem-solving using this model, the higher-desire partner is often used as the reference for "normal," and problem-solving usually centers around how to increase the other person's sexual desire. Using this framework to navigate conversations around sex often can unintentionally place pressure on the lower-desire partner to change, resulting in the opposite outcome.

We can counteract many of these problems by shifting the sexual framework we use in our relationships. In 1996, researchers presented The Dual Control Model (DCM), which illustrates sexual desire as consisting of two parts: an accelerator and a brake.

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your body's sexual accelerator. This system responds to all of the sexual stimuli in your environment. These can include anything from noticing how attractive your partner is, or genital stimulation, to emotionally connecting with your partner, and your partner making you feel special.

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your body's brake. This system reports back to you all of the reasons to not have sex right now. Again, this can vary greatly from sleep deprivation, body image, or history of trauma to relationship conflict, feeling obligated to have sex, and stress.

Most people believe that sexual difficulties can be solved by just adding to the accelerator, but research shows us that sexual desire is more likely to increase when we remove stuff from our brake. Sexual arousal is the process of turning on the ons, as well as turning off the offs - your level of sexual desire at any given time is the balance of your SES (accelerator) and SIS (brake).

Approaching sexual problem-solving using the DCM, provides couples with a "team" approach. If you would like to increase the frequency of sex in your relationship, try sitting down with your partner and listing out items the activate both your SES and SIS. Take a look at the items that press on your partner's brake. What can you do to take some of that off their plate? Can you take over some of their responsibilities, maybe remove some of their sexual obligation? Opening up the discussion can allow them to feel not just heard, but understood.

If you'd like to learn more about the Dual Control Model and its impact on sex drive, I highly recommend picking up Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are, with its companion workbook. Reading it as a couple can provide a framework for having these types of discussions with your partner.