Second Marriages & Marrying Later in Life: How to Not be a Statistic

For both second marriages, and those who marry older (over the age of 27), the most of the statistics suggest that these individuals report lower relationship satisfaction than those who married earlier in life, or who are in their first marriage. So for individuals who are older, those approaching a second marriage, or maybe both, these statistics can feel rather discouraging.

When people ask me about these statistics I always respond by pointing out happily married couples I know who married later in life (including myself), or who are on their second marriages. I then always share the reminder that statistics are about populations, not people. While statistics are helpful for tracking trends, and helping us to shed more light on the complex nature of what makes relationships work, they are not a crystal ball. People can change their behaviors, and therefore the fear of becoming a statistic, whenever they want to.

If you're someone who's marrying older than 27 or for the second (or even third) time, it's important to remember that, for the most part, those relationships that have lower satisfaction can, at any point, increase the quality of their relationship through a few tweaks here and there. Because of that, rather than focusing on statistics that sing out the doom of your future relationships, it's more helpful to focus on what makes a healthy and happy relationship and apply them.

When it comes down to it, healthy relationships are really about knowledge of what makes someone a good partner. Once we're armed with that knowledge, we can adapt our own behaviors to become a good partner, and then we can use that same knowledge to find someone who is also willing to become a good partner (because no one is perfect).

Educate Yourself

The most important thing that you can do is to learn what it takes to make a good relationship. Working with a therapist, or a dating coach can help you explore those things, and find ways to better prepare your skills and expectations for a future relationship. This will get you comfortable with talking through difficult things, and finding new ways of seeing a situation - both of which are highly valuable in a relationship. Additionally, reading books that can help you learn more about how you function in relationships, and ways to improve can be really helpful.

Select a Good Partner

Once you've started to identify things that make a good partner, and have started to acquire some of those traits yourself, you can now start to look for a partner that also possesses those characteristics. A great place to start is to find someone who exhibits empathy, personal responsibility, and self-control. Someone who displays these three traits often has the foundation upon which to build further relationship skills. After that, you can start to determine whether someone holds your same values and ideas about relationships and family.

Additionally, if you start to become serious with someone, pre-marriage counseling is a great option for building skills as a couple prior to marriage.

Put in the Work

After you're married the hard work doesn't stop. You must continually adapt to new circumstances, and find new ways to build and strengthen your relationship. Relying on the skills that you've learned prior to marriage can help greatly, but if you find yourself struggling, always find new ways to adapt and change - read books together, take marriage courses, attend couple's counseling. None of these things should wait until your marriage is "in trouble." Instead, think of them as tools that you can continually be adding to your toolbox for when difficulties arise. The healthiest and happiest couples are those who constantly search for new ways to improve their relationship as it grows, and don't wait until the situation is dire before seeking out help.

We are never just a statistic. We are complex individuals with agency, and the ability to adapt and change at any point. Whether you are older than 27 and looking for your first marriage, or seeking out a relationship following divorce - remember that you are more than your age, or marital status. Anyone can have happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships, as long as they understand what behaviors create one.