What's Keeping You in Your Relationship & Is it Enough?

Relationships are cyclical, and they follow a natural order. Just like things will not always be sunshine and rainbows, they will also not always be disagreements and unresolved concerns. But when things are hard it is easy to think, "Do I actually love this person or am I just here out of habit?"

Let me just start by saying that therapy is a great option at any stage. Having a trained professional there to help you walk through it is extremely helpful! Additionally, there are two basic relationship principles that can help guide you when you feel this way.

The first is Scott Stanley's two types of relationship commitment: constraints and dedication.

Constraints are invisible "forces" that keep us in a relationship even when one or both partners would like to leave. They vary from couple to couple and change with relationship status. The following are a few examples from Dr. Stanley:

• In dating relationships: fear of hurting partner, re-entering the dating pool, disappointing friends & family, etc.

• In married/cohabiting couples: disrupting extended friend or family relationships, financial assets, religious stigmas, minimizing disruption to children, etc.

All relationships have some element of constraint, and they have the positive influence of keeping partners from making drastic decisions when things get tough.

While constraints come naturally to any relationship, dedication must be consciously cultivated throughout the course of a relationship. All relationships come to a point where both parties must decide that they are choosing the relationship for themselves, not just because of constraint. Stanley says that dedicated commitment contains four essential elements:

1. A desire for a future together: a long-term view that motivates you to invest more in the relationship and weather the inevitable storms of life.

2. A sense of being part of a team: feeling support and encouragement from your partner increases your dedication toward them.

3. Giving high priority to the relationship: happy, healthy relationships take consistent work - dedicated couples prioritize their relationships first, even over their children.

4. Willingness to sacrifice for the other: all good relationships require sacrifice - both big and small. From big things like career choices to small things, like watching one more Fail Army video just because they asked nicely.

When you have more constraint than dedication and you hit a hard patch in your relationship, it can make it much harder to navigate. If you are questioning whether to stay or go, the first step is to identify which of the four elements of dedication is lacking (maybe it's all 4...?) and talk with your partner about it. Remember that the goal is always to work it out first. So, when bringing it up to them, make sure to do so when things are calm. You can even schedule a time to discuss by saying something like, "I know things have been tense lately and it's been hard, what do you think about going for ice cream later this week to reset and problem solve together?"

Next, it is important to recognize that all relationships experience different stages. They are not checkpoints that you reach and then never return back to. They are fluid and we naturally move in and out of them throughout our relationship. Knowing which stage you are in can help you to recognize what's normal and identify potential red flags.

Here are the five relationship stages from Dr. Linda Carroll and some of the things to look out for in each of them:

1. The Merge: This is the whirlwind honeymoon stage. Your brain is flooded with hormones filling your thoughts with nothing but your partner.

• Look out for: Cryptic communication, pressure to move faster physically than you are comfortable with or to make big commitment decisions. The hormones in your brain can significantly cloud your judgement at this stage.

2. Denial & Doubt: You start to realize that your partner is different than you, their quirks become irritating, and you may start to wonder, "Why aren't you more like me?"

• Look out for: Mocking your beliefs, values, or life goals; being problem, rather than solution-oriented; controlling or manipulating behaviors such as trying to shut you off from friends or family, threats, or ultimatums.

3. Disillusionment: All the issues you have been ignoring now demand to be brought to light. You may both seek for validation and change. The glaring presence of the bad overshadows the good.

• Look out for: Emotion flooding (remember that when emotion goes up, intelligence goes down, do not hesitate to take a time out); generalized statements like "you always" or "you never"; forgetting to stop and see the good (remember to express gratitude for the positive behaviors, or express joy to your partner in the good moments).

4. Decision: The disillusionment stage has gone on so long that you're now wondering - "Do I stay, or do I go?” or “Will things be better with someone else?"

• Look out for: Unwillingness to problem solve; calling it quits before you put in the work (try evaluating where you are on the four elements of dedicated commitment); telling yourself or your partner that you made a mistake.

5. Whole-hearted Love: You've fought (quite literally) your way through, and the two of you accept each other as individuals who have worked together to create shared meaning and unconditional love.

• Look out for: Complacency, remember that relationships are cyclical, you will encounter new challenges, but now you know that you can overcome them together.

Choosing whether to leave a relationship is difficult and intensely personal. There is no one-size-fits-all answer but knowing some basic relationship principles can help guide you in your decision-making process. When in doubt, a healthy dose of therapy and prayer can go a long way.