Sex in Marriage: Are Certain Practices "Unholy"?

In 1982, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints read a letter to congregations over the pulpit that stated, "The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice" and additonally that, "Married persons... that are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices... should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices." Within 24 hours, church leaders released a second letter to church leadership rescinding the previous letter, and instructing Bishops not to ask any married people about their sexual practices.

"[The statement against oral sex] wasn't rescinded over the pulpit so it became the standard forevermore and it's still one of the most confusing places for members" explains LDS sex therapist Kristin Hodson.

Knowing the history behind the letter helps us to understand why some church members may still believe that oral sex is a sin. However, since the retraction of the letter in 1982, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has not made condemned any specific sexual practices. Their official statement now only denounces any "unnatural, abusive, or corecive" sexual behaviors. While this still leaves couples open to a lot of confusion, Hodson believes that it's intentional. "It's actually good that they're not defining the rules of what you can and cannot do, because you then have to develop sexual integrity, sexual autonomy, and sexual agency."

More than defining what couples can and cannot do within the bedroom, Church leaders have instead reiterated the sacredness of sex. It offers a unique segue into couples creating their own sexual identities, and determining what their own sexual relationship looks like. "You have to start talking with your partner and determining where you feel connected and healthy together" explains Hodson, "The development of sexual agency and a sexual relationship within a partnership is one of the most spiritually connecting places I think people can go, and I think the church has intentionally stepped out of the bedroom more and more."

So what about the term unnatural? "Sticking tongues in other people's mouths - we see it as natural, but it's really not when you stop to think about it" says Hodson. She believes that Church leaders have intentionally left the term ambiguous because it forces couples to have those hard conversations. Sex can be uncomfortable to talk about, especially for couples who have little to no sexual experiences prior to marriage. The things that work for you may not work for your partner, there may be things that work for both of you, and things that used to work but don't anymore. Have those conversations with your spouse so that you can define what your sexual relationship looks like.

Most importantly, when having these conversations with your spouse, be gentle when they share fantasies, or things they'd like to try. For religious individuals it can be scary to share things, and building further shame around something they've never shared can damage the relationship. If you're the person sharing, allow you partner time to process the things you're sharing. Bring them up when you're not having sex, and never pressure your partner into anything.

Like any other piece of your relationship, the sexual relationship has to build gradually and relies on trust, but it requires more vulnerability and understanding than any of the others.