Same Boat: When Both Partners Struggle with Mental Health

In the past decade the resources for individuals with mental health challenges have expanded dramatically. We've done away with many of the stigmas surrounding mental health, therapy has become fairly commonplace and medical advances have dramatically improved the effectiveness of medications. However, even with all of this progress, some of us may never fully escape the effects of our mental illness.

This presents a unique challenge when it comes to dating others who struggle with their mental health, but when couples form a strong foundation and each partner takes responsibility for their own self-care, these couples can have happy, healthy relationships.

Everyone is Responsible for Their Own Mental Health

Personal responsibility is essential for managing mental health, so the most important thing to remember when both individuals have mental health challenges is that each person is responsible for managing their own mental health. If you don't feel that you have your mental health under control, the first step is figuring that out. Talk with a therapist to help you create a self-care plan, meet with your doctor to see if medication can help, then start creating a list of things that help and triggers. If you're pretty good at understanding your challenges and managing them but your partner isn't, then it is their responsibility to find out how to make it better.

If your relationship is to the point that you're living with your partner, allowing them to control their own mental health can be especially difficult. When you occupy the same space, your partner's mental health directly effects how you interact, and sometimes even how they treat you. Additionally, if you have depression or anxiety and you're around that for an extended period of time, it can start to trigger your own mental health challenges. However, it's important to remember that you cannot force someone to get better.

Building a Strong Foundation

No matter how good someone is at managing their mental health, we all have blind spots. There will be times when you or your partner will be in a low and not know it. Sometimes these are just a short little blip and within a couple of days you've figured it out and are right as rain. Other times you may be too stressed or burnt-out to recognize that you've slipped and the days become weeks or even months. Other times you're both in a low at the same time and the support you normally provide one another isn't accessible. In these scenarios you may need to have a conversation as a couple about how to get back to a healthy place. These conversations can feel very vulnerable and be difficult to have, but if your relationship is built on love, trust and empathy it can help to buffer those tender feelings.

Additionally, it is imperative that you discuss what will happen in these situations when you're both feeling well. Share with each other what your self-care regimen looks like, discuss triggers, and create a plan for how to respond when it seems like things may be off. Brainstorm ways that you can support one another when you're in a low. Make sure that it's a team effort, not an intervention, ultimatum or demand. When we're in a low place the smallest tasks can seem overwhelming, so setting up this framework beforehand gives you the scaffolding to work your way back to a healthy place.

Do you and your partner both struggle with mental health? What strategies have you found helpful in your relationship?