Men and Women: Different Planets?

Many of us have heard of John Gray's best selling book "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus," and likely most of us would agree that there are some fundamental differences between men and women. However, if we look more deeply into the research, we see that maybe men and women aren't really all that different.

Researchers have found that the only behavioral difference that actually exists (statistically speaking) is women's exceptional ability to both feel and display greater empathy for others. In every other category - including aggression, self-disclosure, desire for emotional support, and assertiveness - the differences are minute.

As far as Gray's claim that men and women need different things from relationships, a 2006 article published by Dr. Jason Carroll outlined a model of relationship quality that says otherwise. It was found that the combination of 3 factors contributed to happy relationships for both men and women: effective negotiation (i.e. problem solving, conflict resolution, listening), other-centeredness (i.e. forgiveness, kindness, sacrifice) and personal security (i.e. self-worth, personality characteristics).

And when we really break down what men and women need to claim a high relationship satisfaction, we find that women are happier in the presence of positive relationship elements such as partner's displays of kindness and sacrifice, and men are more likely to feel satisfied in their relationship in the absence of negative (i.e. conflict). These are important differences to understand in a relationship, but can hardly claim to be from different planets.

Finally, an article published by Reis and Carothers in 2012 assessed gender differences in both behavioral and psychological categories through 24 different variables including personality traits, sexual attitudes and behaviors, and levels of intimacy. They not only confirmed that men and women really aren't that different, but also that many of the complaints that happen between heterosexual couples are also found in gay and lesbian relationships.

So do men and women really have completely different emotional make-ups? According to repeat findings in the research, the answer is, "no." And we feel like Reis nailed it when he said, "Clearly, it's not so much sex, but human character that causes difficulties."