"I find you... annoying": When Your Partner Drives You Nuts

You know those things people do that you just absolutely cannot stand? When it's a sibling, a classmate, or that weird guy on the train, it's easy to cringe, complain about it with a friend and move on with your life. But what happens when it's your partner who is doing that thing day in and day out - bringing up something you did months ago, burping, picking their nose, giving you the silent treatment? All these things can drive us nuts, and when they're present every single day it's easy to think, "How did I not know that this is who you are?"

The good news is that all couples experience this. If it hasn't happened yet, chances are that if you just give it time, it will. Researchers actually have a name for that feeling you get when you walk into the bathroom and the toilet paper is resting on the top of the dispenser... again. It's called social allergies. The behavior that drives you crazy (i.e., the silent treatment, burping, etc.) is a social allergen. It's defined as "unpleasant but not unbearably aversive." The problem with a social allergen is that when someone is exposed to it repeatedly for extended periods of time, they can develop a social allergy to that behavior.

Researchers have found that both social allergens and social allergies increase over the length of a romantic relationship. As partners become more familiar with one another, these habits may begin to become more frequent and, therefore, more progressively annoying. So what happens when all you can see are the open cupboards, the way your partner always interrupts you, or their inability to be on time?

The truth is that your partner and their annoying habits likely aren't the problem - you are. For the most part, these allergens are likely not intentional. They're not doing it to annoy you or hurt your feelings, but it may seem that way because we're looking to support a belief that we already have.

Let's say that you've started to feel unappreciated in your relationship. As humans, we unconsciously begin to look for evidence to validate our feelings. So when you find socks on the floor, you say to yourself, "See! They know I'm just going to pick these up so they leave them laying around," and you chalk it up as evidence. Then your partner is late to dinner with your parents and it becomes further evidence to you that they're the problem, not you. These small things start to build up in your mind to build a case against your partner.

So how do you deal with all of the annoying things, and keep it from snowballing into oblivion?

Marriage and Family therapist John Van Epp says that, "you don't really live with the partner in your home. You live with the partner in your head." Even if your partner has some really frustrating habits, the more that you tell yourself those things are a problem, the more you will see it as a problem. There are a couple of things you can do to help stop your inner detective from building a false case against a, likely, innocent partner.

1. Ask yourself, "Is this really deliberate?" Chances are, the answer is no. If they're not aware that it drives you nuts, bring it up lovingly, it's possible they just don't know.

2. If you've brought it up before and there haven't been any changes, it's time to reframe how you're thinking about it. When that thing thing irritates you, try thinking of something positive about them. Remember, "If you look for the light, you can often find it. If you look for the dark, it is all you will ever see." It's easier to find the bad than it is to find the good, choose to look for the good.

3. Take inventory of your own annoying habits. Remember that there are times when your partner is building a case against you, how would you like them to bring it up with you? Would you like them to see the good in you? Sometimes the way we're responding to our partner's behaviors can actually lock us into a cycle of negativity. Seek to be the person to break that cycle.

All couples experience these kinds of annoyances. The important thing to remember is that you are actually in control of the majority of how much you perceive it to be a problem. Oftentimes it's not a character flaw in your partner unless you choose to believe that it is.