How Far is Too Far? Chastity in Dating

I have had several questions regarding where the “line” is regarding physical intimacy before marriage. Unfortunately, the truth is that there is no hard line. Now, obviously that doesn’t mean that there are no lines, and this post is not meant to justify anyone’s actions. However, I believe that most people asking this question are not looking to push the boundaries, but are honest people who may have taken things a little too far and are wondering where they stand. It is also important to note that the things stated here are my personal opinion. I am not an authorized church leader, and I do not speak for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The information provided here is my personal interpretation of For the Strength of Youth (FSY), and is meant to serve as a helpful guideline from which you can seek council and make your own decisions. Additionally, I believe that the majority of confusion surrounding chastity comes from the air of secrecy we use surrounding sex, so I will be using specific scientific terminology in this post to describe body parts and behaviors in order to provide as much clarity as I can. Everything included here I have previously used in church lessons, but if you would rather avoid certain terminology, you can skip this post.

“The Lord’s standard regarding sexual purity is clear… do not have any sexual relations before marriage.” - For the Strength of Youth

I believe that when we talk about the “line,” and “when should I go see the Bishop?” we’re actually asking, “What does FSY mean by the term 'sexual relations'?” Now, obviously, sex falls into this category, but what about things like oral sex, digital stimulation (with your fingers or hands), grinding, dry humping or “passionate kissing”? These are just a few examples of a large spectrum of behaviors that fall between kissing and sex. What we’re trying to sort out is where on the spectrum do these behaviors go from "fine" to "not fine" - or which behaviors are considered “sexual relations”? While these answers really aren’t that clear, I think that there are two major context clues to help us gain some more clarity on how to determine what a sexual relation is.

The first comes from the Proclamation that “the sacred powers of procreation are... only between… husband and wife.” If procreation (or the ability to create life) is meant to be between husband and wife, then any behavior that has the ability to create life is considered a sexual relation. Therefore, any life-creating behavior outside of marriage, is a sexual transgression. Let me repeat that again more simply: if it can create life it's a sexual relation, and doing it before marriage is a sexual transgression. With that definition, we now know that any behavior involving the penetration of a penis into a female orifice (including oral and anal sex) outside of marriage is considered a sexual transgression.

While that draws a fairly clear line, there are still a lot of other behaviors between kissing and sex to be confused about. So let's look at a second piece of context to help make that line more clear.

In the section titled Sexual Purity, FSY says to “never do anything that could lead to sexual transgression” (emphasis added), and then lists several behaviors. This means that while participating in the listed behaviors before marriage is not necessarily a sexual transgression, it can lead to sexual transgression. The proverbial slippery slope. These include “passionate kissing", "[lying] on top of another person", and "[touching] the private...parts of another [person], with or without clothing” (I would also include things like grinding or dry humping here).

However, FSY talks about a second “power” that sex provides us within marriage: to serve as an expression of love between partners. Following climax and/or orgasm our bodies produce a rush of hormones that help us bond to another person, similar to those released when we're falling in love or during breastfeeding. To me, this is what is meant when we talk about the power of expressing love through sex. It binds us together and deepens our bond in ways that are meant to happen only within marriage. If we look more closely at the “leading” behaviors listed above, you’ll see that even though they aren't procreative in nature, the danger is in transgressing this second power of sex. The purpose of grinding or touching private parts is to stimulate sexual organs, and eventually produce climax or orgasm (feel free to submit a question if you’re unfamiliar with these terms and what they look/feel like). If you have experienced climax and/or orgasm with your partner outside of marriage, it’s probably a good idea to talk with you bishop.

Finally, I personally, feel like there are some firm lines that can serve as a signal that things are getting or have gotten out of hand: (1) touching of private parts (breasts, and groin) over or under clothing and (2) removing clothing (shirts, pants, undergarments, etc.).

The touching of private parts and anything that follows the removal of clothing warrants a talk with the Bishop, even if it is just to help you set up a plan for maintaining a safe line in the future.

To summarize, here's a bulleted list (feel free to submit a question if you're confused about a behavior):

Sexual Transgression (Talk to Bishop)

• Sex - oral, digital, vaginal or anal

• Any behavior that has resulted in climax or orgasm

Non-transgressions you probably still want to talk to your Bishop about

• Touching of partner's breasts or groin area

• If you specifically removed clothing that exposed yourself or your partner's bare skin (i.e., a shirt or pants)

Leading behaviors - climax or orgasm has not happened but continuing the behavior could definitely result in sexual transgression

• Making out/passionate kissing

• Grinding/dry humping

Again, these are my personal thoughts and are only meant to provide a little clarity. Seek your own inspiration and when in doubt, just set up an appointment to talk it over with your Bishop. He's there to help. If you have more questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can also check out our Resources page for some really helpful and appropriate reading material.

Where do you feel the line for physical intimacy before marriage is?