Friend Zone: The Great Escape

The friend zone is a place of camaraderie and commiseration, which has inspired memes, novels, songs and movies (we see you Ryan Reynolds) around the world.

There are two types of friend zones: the best friend you've had forever who acts as a default significant other but doesn't seem to be interested, and the person you've recently been getting to know who said something to the effect of, "you're such a great friend!" Both can be equally terrible and lead to long nights of plotting a route to the relationship zone. So how does someone get out of the friend zone?

They don't. At least not in the way you're thinking.

I know that you know a guy whose roommate's best friend's sister-in-law's dog walker actually did it, but just hear me out.

Just the phrasing, "getting out" of the friend zone suggests the need for someone to change. In the instance of unrequited love, either the uninterested party needs to change their mind and become interested in who the other person is, or they need to change themselves to become what the other person wants. Good relationships are founded upon mutual attraction and authenticity. If you need to change to get the person to like you, the relationship then becomes founded upon a false representation of yourself.

Remember that above all, you want to be with someone who wants to be with you. When we love someone who doesn't love us back it's easy to fall into a false narrative about how unlovable we are, when really it's just a matter of preference. I don't like ice cream, but you know who does - a lot of people. I also absolutely love dark chocolate, but a lot of people don't. That doesn't mean that plain dark chocolate is inherently more lovable than ice cream, it just means that's my preference.

Trying to force a relationship with someone who isn't interested can also blind us to other dating opportunities. If you're ice cream and you focus all of your attention on a person who prefers dark chocolate, you miss out on all of the people who would love to have a bowl of ice cream drop into their lap (figuratively speaking). It also becomes easy to believe that ice cream lovers don't exist.

Finally, the friend zone can create some hazy boundaries. Here's a quick self-check to assess your boundaries:

1. Have you stopped actively trying to date other people?

2. Are you waiting for this person to change their mind about you?

3. Have you tried to "prove" to the other person that you're what they want?

4. Have you changed some part of yourself in order to be more attractive to them?

If you've answered yes to any of the above questions, it's probably time to reassess your boundaries with them. Reinstating appropriate friendship boundaries will help you reclaim your confidence in dating and relationships. Here are some examples of how:

• Decline spending time with them regardless of your availability

• Stop rearranging your schedule to accommodate them

• Instead of contacting them to hang out, reach out to other friends/family first

• Write a list of the top 10 things that make you a great partner (hint: there's far more than 10)

• Make a list of the things that makes them not a great fit for you - what is it about them that would not fulfill your needs in a relationship?

Setting boundaries gives you power back in the relationship. It offers space for your self-confidence to continue to flourish, and reopens you to other dating opportunities. Now, as rare as it is, there's a chance that if you move on, the other person may realize that they like ice cream after all. If this happens, it's possible what they miss is your availability, not you. That's why the boundaries are so important, they provide space to help you determine how sincere this person is and build the strength needed to say "thank u next" if needs be.

In short, the best way out of the friend zone is to see yourself out.