Cohabiting: Does Practice Make Perfect?

Back in the 80's when the U.S. legalized No-Fault Divorce we saw a huge jump in divorce rates - up to 50%. During that time we also saw a large up-tick in cohabitation rates. Most researchers looked at this and hypothesized that these couples would actually fare better than couples who just jumped straight into marriage - after all, practice makes perfect, right? Turns out this isn't actually the case. As time passed, researchers started to look at cohabiting couples, and see that these relationships were actually struggling more often.

A 2011 study looked at this further by dividing cohabiting couples into different categories based on each partner's trajectory toward marriage (within a year, or longer), whether both partners agreed on marital trajectory, and their relationship status (dating or engaged). What they found was that the factor that made cohabiting couples the most unhappy was whether or not they agreed on their marriage trajectory.

For instance, let's say Bob and Sally have been living together for a year, they're engaged, and they have a date set for the following year. Jimmy and Julie live upstairs from Bob and Sally. They've been living together for 2 years, Julie wants to get married (preferably within the next year), while Jimmy still isn't sure about the whole marriage thing. According the research in this article, even though they haven't been together as long, Bob and Sally are likely to have greater relationship satisfaction, will report having better communication and will be less likely to feel like their relationship is "on the rocks."

As you read through the article, what starts to become clear is this idea of both people being on the same timeline. While the happiest and most stable of all of the couples were those who were living together and planned to marry within the next year, the most unhappy and unstable of all of the couples were those who disagreed on where their relationship was going, whether they lived together or not. Though much research shows poorer outcomes for couples who cohabit, it's important to recognize that not all couples are created equal and that communicating about where your relationship is going is the most important thing you can do regardless of if you choose to cohabit or not.

Have you been in a relationship where you had different ideas about where you thought the relationship was going? What challenges did you encounter?