Building Sexual Intimacy When You've Experienced Sexual Trauma

Different experiences before and during a marriage can interfere with the ability to feel safe or satisfied in a sexual relationship. Sexual trauma can be traumatic for many individuals and, naturally, has implications for their sexual intimacy. If you find yourself or your spouse in this situation, there are a number of techniques and resources you can use to help alleviate the challenges you face.

The Trauma Response

Let’s lay some groundwork. Sexual trauma from experiences such as sexual abuse often trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response. New research also shows a fourth response of fawn (a focus on people-pleasing). Each of these are automatic responses. They are held in the part of our brain that focuses on keeping us safe. It shoots cortisol (stress hormones) through the body and shuts down rational thinking. Repetitive exposure, triggering, or high intensity experiences make these pathways more immediate and embedded in one’s natural response systems. (to learn more, check out the work of Bessel van der Kolk).

What does the trauma response mean for you sexual relationship with your spouse? Reminders of past abuse and traumas can trigger this same response and other long-term symptoms. Some common symptoms in a sexual relationship can include:

• Shutting down, feeling numb, or dissociating

• Avoiding sexual intercourse

• Avoiding other forms of sexual intimacy

• Emotional flooding/flashbacks or panic attacks

• Hypersensitivity to touch

• Physical pain (the trauma or anxiety response can result in a tightening of the pelvic floor muscles which can cause pain with intercourse)

• Low desire, orgasm disorders, or other sexual dysfunctions

• Body shame and low self-worth

• Emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, sadness, anxiety

The first step in building a healthy sexual relationship is to make sure you talk about your concerns with your partner. Creating safety around sexuality means establishing emotional safety and vulnerability with your partner. This includes sharing with your partner the difficulties that you are having. A sexual relationship doesn't just require two people, it requires a partnership and open communication. You both need to be involved to build the sexual intimacy you’re looking for.

Grounding and Mindfulness

As many of the symptoms of trauma impact awareness, using grounding and mindfulness can be helpful. Sexual arousal and desire require awareness in the present moment emotionally, physically, and cognitively. Grounding and mindfulness interrupt the automatic fear response so that there is space to feel pleasure. If you notice yourself becoming numb, going through the motions, or having a difficult time being in the mood, it can be helpful to take a moment and do some grounding or mindfulness techniques. Examples include:

• Take 5 deep breaths and feel the warmth of the air as it moves in and out of your body.

• Pick one object in the room and notice 5 unique things about it

• Create a mantra such as, “I am safe and relaxed”, “I am loved”, “I am calm”

• Have your partner squeeze your hand and release with every breath until you feel calm

• Specific sexual mindfulness can include noticing your arousal, being aware of your genitalia, and timing your breath with that of your partners.

Develop a Sexual Identity

Here are a couple of questions to explore:

• Know your anatomy (let’s be real, sex education is lacking, so understanding the sexual response of both males and females gives you knowledge and control of your sexual experience)

• Know your personal sexual response (what you find arousing, turn-offs, sexual fantasies, etc.)

• What does it mean to you to be in a sexual relationship with your spouse?

• How does your culture inform your view of being a sexual being?

• How does your past abuse impact your sexual identity?

• What trauma symptoms or triggers might interfere with your sexual satisfaction?

• What would it look like to have a sexual identity beyond your past sexual abuse?

Remember that your past abuse does not define who you are as a sexual being. Expanding your story and knowing who you are today will help you redefine your sexuality.

Sensate Focus

Sensate focus has been found to be particularly helpful with challenges with desire, arousal, and people with experience of past abuse. Ground rules for sensate focus include commitment of both partners, nonjudgement, awareness of yourself, talking and communicating with your partner throughout, and no moving to the next stage until the first stage has been regularly practiced for the specified time. Often each stage requires a minimum of one week of regular practice. There are different variations, and in essence, typically use the following sequence:

• Stage One: Non-Genital Touching. Set a time to take turns touching and receiving touch in neutral zones. No sexual intercourse or touching of genital areas allowed.

• Stage Two: Adding Genital Touch. Continue as before with adding genital touch as is comfortable for the couple. No sexual intercourse.

• Stage Three: Mutual Touching. Rather than taking turns, simultaneous touching is allowed. No sexual intercourse. Some variations add kissing at this stage.

• Stage Four: Sexual Intercourse. The couple communicates when they are ready for this stage.

Overall, this technique alleviates expectation for sexual intercourse and forces the couple to connect physically and develop their sensual awareness. It also allows the couple to practice communicating their likes and dislikes with starting with more neutral touching and gradually adding sexual stimulation.

Develop Your Love Map

While many people focus on the act of sexual intercourse as defining of a sexual relationship, emotional intimacy and friendship are foundational to establishing a secure sexual relationship. Continue to court and get to know your partner. A sexual relationship is something that continues to develop just as a friendship develops. Have open conversations to build a Sexual Love Map of your partner. Talk regularly and be sure to make it an ongoing conversation. It is also important to talk before, during, and after any sexual experiences.

• Here are some example questions to explore together:

• What do you find sexually satisfying?

• Write five words that you relate with sex and share them with your spouse.

• How do you want me to initiate sex?

• What do you enjoy in our sexual relationship? What would you like to be different in our sexual relationship?

• Other than sexual intercourse, what are ways that you like to be intimate?

• How can you let me know if you are not in the mood?

• When you aren’t in the mood, what can we do instead that can help us feel physically and emotionally close?

• Share with your partner what it looks like when you are feeling triggered or the sexual abuse is getting in the way.

Make sure your partner knows and understands your past trauma. This doesn’t mean you have to give them a full disclosure of your past. You decide how much you tell them. And it is vital that they know what you are experiencing and how it impacts your relationship.

Counseling

Seek professional help. I can’t emphasize this one enough! Navigating the response from your past sexual abuse is really difficult alone. Whether you have a trauma response or just some of the symptoms described above, counseling can be incredibly helpful. Professionals are trained to help you heal from such traumas. Individual and couple counseling can help you process your trauma and work with your partner on building your sexual relationship. The more you know and understand how sexual trauma can impact you physically, emotionally, and cognitively, the more you can work with your spouse and other helping professionals to find the sexual satisfaction you are seeking.

In the end, trust in your Heavenly Father to guide your marriage. A healthy sexual relationship is part of an eternal marriage. The Lord can and will help you and your spouse in your desires to heal and grow as a couple.